straightening and organizing for Her. a sounding board for bouncing off Her creative and imaginative ideas and of course a readily available masochistic plaything when Her sadistic twitching and urges kick into overdrive. this has been an overwhelming, wonderful experience for me. my life has so much more focus, edge and purpose in serving. in the beginning, there were some rough spots that had to be negotiated, this is the recollection of one such instance.
i noticed this recently coming home one evening from a hard, extended day of work. my Mistress texted Me while i was finishing up in a meeting.
"Get your butt over here and all."
i texted Her that i was on my way home and would be home soon.
i was patently nervous and extremely anxious. i hadn't seen Her in 6 days and i was going through some serious withdrawal issues. pulling into my parking slot i was flooded with emotions. i was tired, exhausted and kind of on edge since returning from an exceedingly long and boring business meeting. i was also famished, as i hadn't eaten since 10:45AM that day. all i really wanted to do was to dump my crap on the floor, kick off my shoes and crash on the couch for awhile.
stepping into my home i was greeted by my Mistress and Her other family member.
She was abrupt and to the point as usual.
"how soon can you be ready to go ... W/we have all been invited to a friend of mines house? Go upstairs and change and be ready to go in 5 min."
something snapped inside of me. i was pooped, and literally reeling on my feet... "a party?" no ...(?!)
"no Mistress, i'm sorry, but i am just wiped out after today. i just think that i would be dead on my feet and probably fall asleep in a chair." She kind of glared at me, but said nothing ... then seemed to half heartedly excuse me from the invite.
"Well, ok, but are you sure? i really think that You should go. Its a potluck and there is going to be tons of food." i don't really remember Her saying anything. W/we stepped into the kitchen and omg! it looked like a bomb had exploded in there. there were dirty dishes all over the place! it looked as if every dish, fork knife and spoon had been used! there were spills all over the stove, counter and some chocolate smudges were even on the wall. i'm not sure what happened, but at that point i just lost it. *literally*
omg! you guys! this place is a mess! why! do you think that i want to come home to such a disaster as this! what were You think ...! my Mistress wouldn't let me finish that sentence.
"WHAT THE FUCK! I JUST DROVE FOR TWO HOURS AND THIS IS THE KIND OF A GREETING THAT I GET FROM MY SLAVE! SO THE FUCK WHAT IF THE KITCHEN IS A MESS! THAT IS NO WAY FOR you TO GREET ME WITH RESPECT!" She was angry, livid, and rightly so, but i felt that i was being taken advantage of and the big picture was quite fuzzy and distorted through my anger and rage.
but, i did not stand down. i only made it worse by taking a passive aggressive stance against Her. "ah ... thats right, as usual i am the one who is always wrong and You are always right. thanks alot for making another mess for me to clean up! " i started to sulk and walk away and She exploded!
"WHERE THE FUCK DO you THINK your'e GOING!? I HAVEN'T DISMISSED you yet! GET your ASS BACK HERE AND ASK ME PROPERLY TO BE DISMISSED!" it was at this point that i realized that i had jumped off the edge and if i hadn't i'm sure at this point that my Mistress would of been delighted to push me off. She stared me down and i felt an icy claw yank my collar up and spin me around to face the consequences for my poor choice of behavior.
"TURN your MUTHA FUCKING ASS AROUND NOW! i turned around to see my Mistress angrier than i had ever seen Her before. Her eyes were scalding hot as She stared holes through me and Her fists were white and clenched tightly around a wooden spoon and spatula.
i turned around to speak ... but Her sharp tongue cut and sliced me down to size before i could get two words together.
"DON'T you EVEN DARE TRY TO SPEAK TO ME! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND GO TO your ROOM NOW!"
i tried to register a weak protest, but realized that i was in a very futile, precarious position with Her. She was right ... i was way out of line ... what i had done was downright insubordinate in regard to the D/s relationship.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE you! NOW GO!"
Her words burnt and seared a hole into my already fragile, delicate state. i had never seen Her so putout and angry with me. W/we had always had an amiable and friendly relationship. but, this was going too far! afterall, this was my house! who was She to think that She could send me to my room in my own home!
Her words really hurt me. but, i had a choice. i could either stand there and argue with Her, or take my punishment and try to learn what it meant. i trudged upstairs, Her caustic fiery reprimand was still ringing in my ears.
true, this was my house, but it was now Hers. i was Hers. Her's? i was her pet. i belonged to Her. everything that i had ... was also Hers. giving a Mistress "total power exchange in a bdsm lifestyle relationship means ceding to your Mistress the power to rule and govern over you. it is this control that She manifests which is comforting but at the same time quick and punative in terms of judgement.
i felt awful ... devastated ... angry ... and most of all hurt. i trudged upstairs and pouted for what seemed like an eternity, trying to contemplate what i had done wrong. i'm not sure as to how long i was in my room with the door closed. i didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody, or hear from anyone. i wanted to be left alone to fester and pustule in the dregs of my self pity.
but ... my stomach would not let me. i tried to sleep a bit, hoping that the dream state would erase the entire blighted episode from my fractured psyche. but, the grumblings of my stomach would not be silenced and afterall, it had been almost 12 hours since i had eaten.
i was starting to calm down now, but was choked with incredible guilt and self hatred of what i had done to my Mistress and the way i had behaved in front of Her.i felt like a chastened school boy and was ultimately humiliated and embarrassed by the entire episode.
i decided to text Her to ask her forgiveness and apologize for my boorishness.
i asked Her to forgive me and apologized for not greeting Her in the proper manner after Her return. it was a simple note. i ended it with a simple request that i be allowed to leave my room.
i didn't hear anything from Her. pacing back and forth and biting my fingernails to nubs, i festered and sweated. "omg, She must really be pissed with me. what can i do? i hate having Her angry with me. maybe my apology wasn't contrite or heartfelt enough. She must think that i wasn't sincere in how i presented it/" my throat went dry and the gnawing numbness inside of me enlarged and started to chew on me a little. i waited ... paced ... and then tried again. this time, i begged, grovelled and threw myself at Her feet in a nondescript heap of guilt, pain and circumspect agony. She had to listen ... She had to respond!
i groveled, and begged for forgiveness and told Her how her anger with me felt like a gnawing hole which made me feel numb and useless all over. i continued to pace and wait for an eternity. She had given me no instructions when She had left and now i felt like i was in limbo; fettered and unable to make amends or please her. it ached inside me.
suddenly, it came. "Stop your whining, pet .... and yes, I do forgive you. Actually, I have pretty much forgotten all about what happened. And, I wasn't angry ... well, maybe just a smidge :P, but that is back in the past."
She continued ... "And yes, you may come out of your room and clean-up the kitchen. W/we will be heading home shortly and then W/we can talk some more about what happened."
i was ecstatic! my Mistress had forgiven me!
needless to say, i immediately felt the pangs and feelings of guilt lift from off of me.
i do not enjoy having my Mistress angry and upset with me. i also believe that She likewise does not particularly relish this either. similar to vanilla relationships, anger and misunderstanding when not addressed properly can place a real wedge in a relationship. it is best to talk things out as soon as possible and to not allow other things to build up and fester. a Mistress must step into the role of a disciplinarian when Her submissive gets out of line. this of course, is the natural order of things in regard to the dynamics of a Female led relationship. as for me, the knowledge that i have been a dissappointment to Her just literally tears me up inside and kills me. :( i am unable to move ahead with my life and have a great deal of difficulty functioning. these feelings gradually dissipate with time, but as i have gotten closer to my Mistress i find that She is inextricably tangled and emeshed in my head. i think about Her quite often and am constantly eager to find new ways to please and be a good servant to Her.
these feelings and emotions grow ever stronger day by day and i am told that this is certainly normal within the confines of a bdsm relationship.
arguments and disagreements are ineviatable thoughout life, but they needn't derail relationships. they should serve as tools and as guides for sharpening the confidences between true friends.
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