i'm a "pansy" and i know it

i was over at my Mistresses' home the other day and W/we were all sitting around talking and sharing. i had mentioned the fact that i was the only one in our filming group, who had not received his cd of the recent film W/we had all worked on together.

She looked at me and smiled contemptuously.

"That's because you are such a wimp and a wuss. he probably knows that you would never ask for it, so he thought why should i send it, if  he hasn't even asked about it."

i stared back slack jawed while She continued to berate.

"Besides, you'll just cave and you know it." Her beautiful green eyes widened then narrowed darting back to mine hoping to feast on my apparent discomfort and unease from Her biting remarks.

Her words hit me like a salvo and had me reeling.  for those of you who are not aware, my Mistress is not only an expert at physical torture and self defense, but is also quite a wordsmith as well. She wields her fully loaded lexicon like a well honed blade. Slicing and chopping all and any wouldbe narrative wannabes to pathetic inconsequence. quickly dispatched and nuetered with insanely lethal verbal thrusts and recants that renders them otherwise speechless, tonguetied and sumarily down for the count.

i opened my mouth in my defense, but nothing came out but a pathetic squeak, to which She aptly took the upper hand.

"Why the fuck would you even want a copy of that weak, "pansy assed" performance that everyone is just going to mock, ridicule and make fun of anyway .... hmmmmmm?" She smirked then raised her slender dark eyebrows to nefarious delight, seemingly enjoying this verbal fun of the vocabular parry and thrust.

i finally found the words to weakly defend myself, but Her verbage gifted mind was just too fast for me and had summarily tied me up and bound me, making any conceivable retort i had justifiably made appear foolish and ridiculous.

"i am not a pansy, i am fully capable of defending myself." i exclaimed.

She just laughed and surmized sardonically.
"Mmmmmmmm ... Hmmmmm ... Sure, anything you say. (Lol!!!)  But, W/we all know the real truth behind what and who you really are."

now, that really bothered me, but i was bothered more by the word She used to describe my performance, "pansy assed".

"pansy assed", She had used the word  to describe me on a number of occasions, and i must admit that this chosen verbal adjective really wallops, stings and reinforces who i really am to Her. but, i wast't sure as to what it really means. so, i looked it up and here is what i discovered.

So, here is how my Mistress really views me ...

Dictionary.com defines "pansy assed" as the following

"a weak, effeminate, inconsequential, wuss and cowardly man."

well, there are times that i do admit that i scream and shreak like a little girl when scared by a large flying insect, wasp or bee, and i'm not the bravest of men when faced with dastardly circumstances and will probably prefer to run and hide.  and i am dismissed as being a wuss more times that i can count by my Mistress.

so, yes ... i am a "pansy" and i know it. it is important to know these things. and it seems that as i get older, i become more accepting as to what others see and think of me. i have come to the realization that i cannot help or change who i am. i am a product of my experiences and my environment.

the words that my Mistress generously uses to cut me down and humiliate me aptly describe certain portions of my personality, but it is only a part and not the whole. to know my whole parts, is to know the whole me. My Mistress knows the deep dark hidden parts that have been cut, sliced and hurt and i respect how She is able to expertly use words to heal or reinforce my niche in Her world, serving obediently, with no questions asked..